Change is good?

Is it really? They say change is good. Who are they, anyway?

I usually thrive on change, so I think. What I really thrive on is change that I think I have some control over. Change that brings about results that I like, desire, seek. I don't like change that leaves me hanging....wondering what's next...relying on something or someone other than myself for answers.

And this is why change is good. It forces me to surrender. Not a word I like or use often at all. I mean, I like it when other people use it or practice it. But it isn't for me. In my twisted mind, it connotes weakness, dependence, giving up. In fact, I look up the word surrender and see words like: abandon, resign, relinquish, give up power to another. I don't do that. I don't give up, abandon, resign, give up power. I am responsible. I stick with it, stand by your side. I am powerful, have endurance.

And yet, I am surrendering. Which I am discovering takes a lot of endurance and power that does indeed come from another source. I am surrendering to the fact that I am not living the life I want to live. I'm not sure exactly what this means yet. I know it means that I cannot do this new church thing anymore. I have lost my passion, my drive, my energy for it. It has been quite a ride, and I am ready to get off.

What has been interesting is that it seems to have caused an equal amount of wounds and healing for me. Its been empowering and frustrating and so much more than I can even say right now. I wonder what I will say when I look back in 10, 20, 30 years? I've said all along that this was much more about the journey than the outcome. So it is. And the journey for me is taking me to a different place. I'm not sure where it is yet. I am sure, however, that God is with me and will love me through whatever comes next.