Here I go again....

Shit...change again? It's inevitable. It happens. Shit. shit shit. Can I say that in a blog???

My life seems to be in continual transition. And I'm tired of it. I am tired of answering questions. I am tired of "the look" - the one people give when they know you are struggling with life. I am tired of having to make decisions.

However, all of that said, I am ready. I am ready to be me - fully me. Whatever that means or brings. I want to feel fully. Live fully and engage life fully - even if it pisses some people off. Not that I want to this time (I have wanted to before, I don't now.) I just want to be. I want what I encourage other people to seek - an authentic existence - even if it means making hard decisions or going against the grain.

I wish we could live a life where no one ever got hurt or frustrated. I wish that we could look into the crystal ball and see what the future holds and make informed decisions that hold no regrets or remorse.

But, we are human, aren't we? We make choices the best we can at the time. Sometimes these choices really are ours. Sometimes they are the culmination of other's expectations. Sometimes we really don't know the difference.

One of my dearest, wisest, most hilarious friends reminded me of something this week as he shared a quote that I had printed out for worship.

"Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?'"

Thanks, Jimmy. Thanks for reminding me of hope....of time....of all that is to pass...of all that is to come.

Change is good?

Is it really? They say change is good. Who are they, anyway?

I usually thrive on change, so I think. What I really thrive on is change that I think I have some control over. Change that brings about results that I like, desire, seek. I don't like change that leaves me hanging....wondering what's next...relying on something or someone other than myself for answers.

And this is why change is good. It forces me to surrender. Not a word I like or use often at all. I mean, I like it when other people use it or practice it. But it isn't for me. In my twisted mind, it connotes weakness, dependence, giving up. In fact, I look up the word surrender and see words like: abandon, resign, relinquish, give up power to another. I don't do that. I don't give up, abandon, resign, give up power. I am responsible. I stick with it, stand by your side. I am powerful, have endurance.

And yet, I am surrendering. Which I am discovering takes a lot of endurance and power that does indeed come from another source. I am surrendering to the fact that I am not living the life I want to live. I'm not sure exactly what this means yet. I know it means that I cannot do this new church thing anymore. I have lost my passion, my drive, my energy for it. It has been quite a ride, and I am ready to get off.

What has been interesting is that it seems to have caused an equal amount of wounds and healing for me. Its been empowering and frustrating and so much more than I can even say right now. I wonder what I will say when I look back in 10, 20, 30 years? I've said all along that this was much more about the journey than the outcome. So it is. And the journey for me is taking me to a different place. I'm not sure where it is yet. I am sure, however, that God is with me and will love me through whatever comes next.

words

Those who know me, know that I am not the biggest fan of lots of words during worship. I prefer music, art, dance, silence, reflection and space.

However, this past week, I found myself in the process of crafting a sermon...researching, praying, writing, reflecting and trying to get out of the way of myself so that the Spirit could work.

And words became important to me. Don't get me wrong....I love words. I love to read a whole lot. I absolutely love poetry and good writing and good speeches and good sermons. Its just that I often have found that the church worships the sermon or sometimes the preacher rather than worshiping God.

What I discovered is that I liked this sermon. I liked the hard work that it made me do - both in the research of the text and in the internal work it caused me to do. I also discovered that I might actually sometimes have something to say. I like to deny this...say I'm not a preacher...that that is what other people do.

Preaching a sermon about wisdom, about finding that voice within and not being scared to speak truth...well, I suppose I was preaching to myself more than I thought I was.

100 Things

This idea came from a friend's blog....

100 Things

I have lived
1. … for 10 years with a great husband (hard to believe its been that long!)
2. … in Kentucky 99% of my life.
3. … on Walt Disney World property for 3 months.
4. … in NYC for 3 months.
5. … a wonderfully full life.
6. … 16 years of my life in the same house with both parents and a brother.
7. … in safe, warm places.
8. … through some hard times.
9. … for 35 years.
10. … with the best kid in the world!

I have witnessed
11.… people's lives being changed.
12.… someone saying final goodbyes with grace.
13.… divorce.
14.… marriage.
15.… birth.
16.… death.
17.… lots of fun being had.
18.… spontaneous expressions of gratitude.
19.… sadness.
20.… dreams coming true.

I have heard
21.… some of my bestest friends sing beautiful music.
22.… that if you light a match in the bathroom, it will make it smell better.
23.… wonderful laughter of children.
24.… lots of sports on tv lately.
25.… my cat meow as I come through the door.
26.… my name called among the graduates, three times.
27.… my husband preach a few times :).
28.… myself preach less times.
29.… birds singing early in the morning.
30.… my son pattering into our bedroom in the middle of the night.

I have lost
31. … my keys many times.
32.… my purse a few times.
33.… most of my sanity.
34.… my temper - at least once a month.
35.… my fondness for school.
36.… the hope that I could ever work in a traditional church again.
37.… my mother-in-law to cancer.
38.… the first minister I ever really connected with (again to cancer).
39.… connections with old friends.
40.… most of my attachment to the way things are "supposed to be."

I have found
41.… my keys many times.
42.… my purse many times.
43.… marriage is a lot of work.
44. … motherhood is harder work.
45. … I am pretty darn strong.
46.… rotten food in my refrigerator more times than I should.
47. … love.
48. … connections with old friends.
49. … out that I really am an artist!
50. … that it is okay to be honest, really.

I love
51. … life.
52. … laughter.
53. … wine and vodka...not together.
54. … music, art, dance, creativity of all kinds.
55. … listening.
56. … reading.
57. … cute old men.
58. … children - especially my own.
59. … a good challenge.
60. … a great solution.

I can
61. … bring home the bacon.
62. … fry it up in a pan.
63. … talk on the phone for hours and hours.
64. … sleep for hours.
65. … read all night long.
66. … play the flute.
67. … be a real smart-ass.
68. … pick up things with my toes.
69. … stand up for what I believe in.
70. … daydream.

I loath
71. … arrogance.
72. … racism, sexism and homophobia...and all the other isms.
73. … small-minded people.
74. … meanness.
75. … being embarassed.
76. … Republican ideals i.e. "family values."
77. … fundamentalists that think they're the only ones that have the answers.
78. … doing laundry.
79. … morning.
80. …exclusion.

I hope
81. … for an end to hate.
82. … that the war ends very soon.
83... that the church will change for the better.
84. … that my son will grow up to be a compassionate, passionate, loving, fun, person that has a faith that is his own.
85. … that I get to visit some places far and away.
86. … that I learn from my mistakes.
87. … to write a book someday.
88. … that people know I love them.
89. … to learn to play the bagpipes.
90. … that stem-cell research brings cures to many diseases.

I am trying
91. … to live my call.
92. … to be faithful.
93. … to be myself.
94. … to be an effective mom.
95. … to be a good wife...not in the traditional sense, of course, but in the way that my huband needs.
96. … to start a church.
97. … to keep from losing my mind in the process.
98. … to live with integrity and intention.
99. … to do too much, I think.
100. to love more and fear less.

Holy Week Warning

Just a little Holy Week advice....don't have PMS and attempt Holy Week. It's hard enough with hormonal balance. The emotions of the week...Palm Sunday...Maundy Thursday...Good Friday...Easter. It's just too much.

And, you know it's too much when during the opening hymn at church on Palm Sunday, you want to turn around to the congregation and holler..."How can you sing this (All Glory Laud and Honor) when you know what's to come?" And then the tears start flowing ... and don't stop throughout the entire service.

I usually love Palm Sunday. I love the palms and the music and the triumphant entry. But, yesterday, I was just sad...and pissed. Sad that it only took a few days from parade fanfare to execution. And pissed that we (the church) still think of it as victory and triumph.

I was worried that the sermon would focus on this triumphal Sunday of palms and parades. I should've been worried about the sermon...but for different reasons. It was the kind of sermon that kicks one in the ass....in the best sort of spiritual way. Instead of focusing on the hosannas, it focused on the prayer in the garden. The kind of prayer that all of us have surely prayed...if there is anything you can do about this, God, please do it. Save my child, my mother, my friend, my lover...from illness, suffering, disappointment, death. What happens when that prayer is not answered in the way we so want it, need it to be?

It becomes a faith in spite of, instead of faith because of. In spite of the hardness of life, the injustices, the strain and stress, the disappointments, the failures...we continue to have faith.

So, I sat there with tears streaming down my face as I thought of where I/we are right now. The dream, the call to do this new thing ... that has felt so much like a call from the Divine ... that seems to be slipping away or at least morphing into something else altogether. Not slipping away because of lack of effort or moral support or faith or hard-ass work but shear lack of finances. I cried for all of the people's dreams that have fallen away - failed relationships; dreams of growing up with a grandmother by your child's side; of having parents that love each other; of living a simple, healthy life. I cried for the injustice and violence that we observe this week. For all of those who have bravely spoken out for the underdog, the oppressed, the down-trodden - only to be fired, made fun of, shot at, killed.

Thank God for the closing hymn....it made me laugh and get it back together before I had to greet people as we all went about our week. The closing hymn was "The Old Rugged Cross." What a horrible, gross, hilarious hymn! Nothing like a little suffering and shame, blood-staining and promises of a crown to bring a little sunshine to the soul.

ps...did i mention that the aforementioned kick-ass sermon was preached by my husband? i always love hearing what insights he has...and it is always a great surprise and a reminder of one of the reasons i love him.

Presence

We're almost to the end of this Lenten journey, and I still haven't entirely finished my quest to articulate (for myself) a more fitting theology of Lent/sacrifice/Christ. I guess I should ease up a little....Lent is only seven weeks, after all.

It's been quite a journey....with a newly forming faith community. In a planning partnership with another church that has similar values, but a different way of leading and planning.

One of the traditions of the church we're in relationship with is a paschal fire on Holy Saturday. I'm still not sure what one is or how this particular community interprets it, but what I heard was something about the sacrificial lamb. Eewwww! And that we would burn/sacrifice something of ourselves.

I'm still wrestling with this. Sacrifice rubs against every feminist bone in my body. Jesus as a human sacrifice is even worse....it goes back to the violence as a way to salvation that is too much to take.

I can live with the cycle of life/death/rebirth. I can celebrate letting go of things that are not helpful in order to live more fully. What I cannot do is ask people to self-sacrifice in order to be closer to God. "Dying to self" too often leads to oppression, violence, neglect and obedience to the detrement of one's safety. It too often be-littles women - encourages us to deny our feelings so that others won't feel bad. Too often it means "bearing a cross" - staying in an abusive, unhealthy relationship in order to be faithful.

Willingness to bear pain or carry other's burdens is not what transforms life. Love and grace transform. The presence of loving, honest relationships provides the space for transformation. Listening...really listening to one another...allows our stories to unfold - to begin healing wounds.

One of the stories shared in "Proverbs of Ashes" is about a mentor who taught, "We can hear one another into speech."

She said there is a quality of listening that is possible among a circle of human beings, who by their attentiveness to one another create a space in which each person is able to give voice to the truth of her life.

Presence, not denial or sacrifice, leads to voice, to truth, to wholeness.

Lenten Journey Surprises

Well, I'm a self-prolaimed lenten journey-phobe. So here I am about half-way through this journey and I think I'm making some progress. Who ever said progress was easy? I'm not sure what's different about this year...living on the edge, perhaps? Journeying with an authentically journeying community? The intentional focus on why Lent is so difficult for me theologically? The books I'm reading as part of this focus?

Who knows? I'm just here to say that it is different for me this time around. Plenty of it is the same...the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm sitting in church (not the one I co-pastor) and most of the talk is about Lenten suffering and self-sacrifice. The sadness that I feel the closer we get to Good Friday and even Easter. Yes, even Easter. It is such a struggle for me to celebrate resurrection so close to the brutal murder. If I can frame it in broad strokes as death and new life - and not feel as though I'm celebrating the death of Jesus, then I can usually cope. I love the cycle of death and re-birth - it is necessary and natural. But death as a murder....that's another story.

So, I am surprised at how this Lenten journey is going. I've re-connected with some dear friends in far off places. And I find myself letting go of some relationships and ideas that don't serve me anymore. Some of these friends/ideas/relationships that I thought were dear and near to me - and they have been - have needed some purging and I've begun that process. It's not easy - lots of running to the bathroom (my stomach takes on my stress for me!) Some sleepless nights. Lots of time in introspection. Lots of time listening - to friends, to the silence, to my spiritual director, to myself. I am surprised at how this journey is winding through the wilderness. I am looking forward to the new life that promises to bloom as this lenten-journey-phobe continues wandering.

Precisely what I mean

This is part of a (very lengthy) church newsletter article I copied from a dear friend and colleague. Unfortunately, (because he is a good friend) I am quoting it because it illustrates precisely what I find not helpful about "Lent."

If you are anything like me, you spent the final days leading up to Ash Wednesday trying to figure out what you were going to “give up for Lent.” It is an arduous process that we all go through every year. We want to be good disciples, but many of us are so stressed that we can't imagine “giving up” some of the only things that make us happy.

But are we happy? Right now (as I type this) I am one day into my Lenten practice of “No Coffee.” If any of you have done this before you know that my head is currently splitting with a pounding headache, and it will be a few days before it's better. Am I really happy when I have to depend on a drink to keep a headache at bay? I think not.

Most of us give up those things we should be giving up anyway – caffeine, smoking, red meat, fast food, candy, etc. It almost takes on a comical tone when you think about it. How many of us never return to McDonald's after Easter has arrived? All I know is that I'm craving a Big Mac by that point.

However, this “giving up” can be a healthy way for us to remember the sacrifice that Christ made for us. This practice we do is what I call a “so that” of the faith. We do XYZ “so that” we can... We give up something “so that” when we find ourselves craving it we can remind ourselves what Christ gave up for us.

I just have a hard time thinking that Christ's suffering should be lifted up as something for us to try to emulate or even remember by giving up something that we really shouldn't be doing anyway (at least in the case of coffee, chocolate, caffeine, yelling at our kids....you name it.)

I stand with the authors of "Proverbs of Ashes" this season - with a lot of humility - these women are brilliant. Rita Nakashima-Brock: " I'm trying to construct a theology that speaks differently about Jesus. Conventional doctrines say Jesus saves the world by dying. But the people who killed Jesus hated him. It's wrong to confuse hate with love."

If we claim that God is love (and I do,) then it only goes to reason that "Jesus would have had to receive and give love through living, not dying." (p. 4, Proverbs)

"Giving up" something that brings us pleasure in an attempt to suffer with Jesus is life-denying and not life-affirming as Jesus must surely have wanted for us. Suffering is all too prevalent in our world - abuse, war, neglect, the self-sacrifice of women for their families, hate crimes against the marginalized, all sorts of isms..... Why would a faith based on pure love require of us another form of suffering? Why would cruelty and punishment become an act of righteousness?

Pre-Lent Musings

Okay, so here goes....

I'm gonna blog during Lent. Thought I could start during Advent, being the new year and all...but hey, who can add stuff during the busiest month of the year?

Lent is my least favorite season. So this year I am going to blog away as to why and maybe I can stop dreading it every year.

I didn't grow up celebrating Lent in the same way that protestants seem to these days. I knew that my Catholic friends had certain practices and rituals - and I was okay with them - and I even enjoyed hearing about the practices and thought it was kind of cool. However, what I didn't understand was the need to "suffer" as a practice. Or how in the world we were complacent in the death of Jesus. I'm getting ahead of myself.....

I have joined up with a friend from many states away to read two books this season: "The Robe" (never read it) and "Proverbs of Ashes" (read it a couple of years ago). I'm hoping that reading and re-reading these books will help me to articulate better what my beliefs are about this season typically celebrated as a season of repentance and self-flagellation.

if jimmy can do it....

So, if every one else is doing it, I might as well join in. I'm just a bit worried that I won't have anything important to say. Which is I guess part of the blogging phenomenon.

It's a Sunday morning and most of my colleagues are in the pulpit (or getting ready enter it.) I honestly don't know how they do it! Jen and I often hear from others "I don't know how you do it - start a church, start a business, keep it going." And not to minimize the enormous stress and strain it can be - because it is stressful and difficult and challenging. But I don't know how my colleagues get up every Sunday morning and preach and teach Sunday School and listen to the same people complain about the same things week in and week out. I admire you - friends in the pulpit!