Presence

We're almost to the end of this Lenten journey, and I still haven't entirely finished my quest to articulate (for myself) a more fitting theology of Lent/sacrifice/Christ. I guess I should ease up a little....Lent is only seven weeks, after all.

It's been quite a journey....with a newly forming faith community. In a planning partnership with another church that has similar values, but a different way of leading and planning.

One of the traditions of the church we're in relationship with is a paschal fire on Holy Saturday. I'm still not sure what one is or how this particular community interprets it, but what I heard was something about the sacrificial lamb. Eewwww! And that we would burn/sacrifice something of ourselves.

I'm still wrestling with this. Sacrifice rubs against every feminist bone in my body. Jesus as a human sacrifice is even worse....it goes back to the violence as a way to salvation that is too much to take.

I can live with the cycle of life/death/rebirth. I can celebrate letting go of things that are not helpful in order to live more fully. What I cannot do is ask people to self-sacrifice in order to be closer to God. "Dying to self" too often leads to oppression, violence, neglect and obedience to the detrement of one's safety. It too often be-littles women - encourages us to deny our feelings so that others won't feel bad. Too often it means "bearing a cross" - staying in an abusive, unhealthy relationship in order to be faithful.

Willingness to bear pain or carry other's burdens is not what transforms life. Love and grace transform. The presence of loving, honest relationships provides the space for transformation. Listening...really listening to one another...allows our stories to unfold - to begin healing wounds.

One of the stories shared in "Proverbs of Ashes" is about a mentor who taught, "We can hear one another into speech."

She said there is a quality of listening that is possible among a circle of human beings, who by their attentiveness to one another create a space in which each person is able to give voice to the truth of her life.

Presence, not denial or sacrifice, leads to voice, to truth, to wholeness.

Lenten Journey Surprises

Well, I'm a self-prolaimed lenten journey-phobe. So here I am about half-way through this journey and I think I'm making some progress. Who ever said progress was easy? I'm not sure what's different about this year...living on the edge, perhaps? Journeying with an authentically journeying community? The intentional focus on why Lent is so difficult for me theologically? The books I'm reading as part of this focus?

Who knows? I'm just here to say that it is different for me this time around. Plenty of it is the same...the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm sitting in church (not the one I co-pastor) and most of the talk is about Lenten suffering and self-sacrifice. The sadness that I feel the closer we get to Good Friday and even Easter. Yes, even Easter. It is such a struggle for me to celebrate resurrection so close to the brutal murder. If I can frame it in broad strokes as death and new life - and not feel as though I'm celebrating the death of Jesus, then I can usually cope. I love the cycle of death and re-birth - it is necessary and natural. But death as a murder....that's another story.

So, I am surprised at how this Lenten journey is going. I've re-connected with some dear friends in far off places. And I find myself letting go of some relationships and ideas that don't serve me anymore. Some of these friends/ideas/relationships that I thought were dear and near to me - and they have been - have needed some purging and I've begun that process. It's not easy - lots of running to the bathroom (my stomach takes on my stress for me!) Some sleepless nights. Lots of time in introspection. Lots of time listening - to friends, to the silence, to my spiritual director, to myself. I am surprised at how this journey is winding through the wilderness. I am looking forward to the new life that promises to bloom as this lenten-journey-phobe continues wandering.