Well, I'm a self-prolaimed lenten journey-phobe. So here I am about half-way through this journey and I think I'm making some progress. Who ever said progress was easy? I'm not sure what's different about this year...living on the edge, perhaps? Journeying with an authentically journeying community? The intentional focus on why Lent is so difficult for me theologically? The books I'm reading as part of this focus?
Who knows? I'm just here to say that it is different for me this time around. Plenty of it is the same...the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm sitting in church (not the one I co-pastor) and most of the talk is about Lenten suffering and self-sacrifice. The sadness that I feel the closer we get to Good Friday and even Easter. Yes, even Easter. It is such a struggle for me to celebrate resurrection so close to the brutal murder. If I can frame it in broad strokes as death and new life - and not feel as though I'm celebrating the death of Jesus, then I can usually cope. I love the cycle of death and re-birth - it is necessary and natural. But death as a murder....that's another story.
So, I am surprised at how this Lenten journey is going. I've re-connected with some dear friends in far off places. And I find myself letting go of some relationships and ideas that don't serve me anymore. Some of these friends/ideas/relationships that I thought were dear and near to me - and they have been - have needed some purging and I've begun that process. It's not easy - lots of running to the bathroom (my stomach takes on my stress for me!) Some sleepless nights. Lots of time in introspection. Lots of time listening - to friends, to the silence, to my spiritual director, to myself. I am surprised at how this journey is winding through the wilderness. I am looking forward to the new life that promises to bloom as this lenten-journey-phobe continues wandering.
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